


Closing In

by misslmf



Series: x malec oneshots x [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane Angst, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Malec Angst, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 11:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18030491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misslmf/pseuds/misslmf
Summary: Magnus was doing fine without his magic. Just fine.At least,that’s what everyone else saw





	Closing In

Magnus had been awake for hours.

Just lying in the pitch black, his eyes adjusting noticeably slower than they would've done before.

The familiar glow of his own eyes against the wall was another he missed in the night. He missed the lights he would make with his fingers if he was bored, or couldn't sleep. He missed being able to turn around and make out every tiny detail on Alec's face as he slept, peacefully and unknowing of his boyfriend's deteriorating state of mind. 

Magnus knew he was being silly. He still had so much to be thankful for, even without his magic. He had money, a brilliant house, a loving boyfriend, good friends all around him. Yet he felt alone, empty, walking around aimlessly in the huge world that he no longer fit in in. His magic had been a part of him, something that defined who he was, and now it was gone. It had disappeared with a just a snap of his father's fingers. 

And yet look at him. Complaining about something that he could still live without. Magnus was almost disgusted in himself. How could he be feeling those things when he still lives a life that anyone else would be ecstatic with.

Alec shifted slightly in his sleep and a deep sigh escaped from his lips. Magnus' eyes were drawn to his face and he watched, trying to make something out with his vision, but he couldn't.

He thought back to watching Alec sleep. Alec has a tendency to wrap himself up in the duvet and curl into a ball. He would hold the blankets close to his face and snuggle into the pillow, as his breaths slowed into a deep and steady pattern. All of the lines on his face disappeared. He looked younger, like a normal young mortal who didn't have the weight of an entire Institute on his shoulders. When he didn't have a problematic warlock dragging him down.

Magnus shook that thought out of his head. He had found himself doing that frequently recently. Having to get rid of the bad thoughts that constantly flew around his mind. Telling him how he bothered everyone with his menial issues, how he clung to Alec constantly for support, when Alec himself had his own issues going on. Magnus had to keep reminding himself that none of it was true, but in all honesty he had began to doubt himself.

It seemed that even in the lightest of places, the darkness would swallow him up. And now, lying here in the middle of the night, it felt like everything was closing in. Any source of light that he could have found was growing dim and it was like he was a child again, huddled in a silent corner, hiding from the world. He breathing quickened and he searched around helplessly for the switch to his lamp, but he couldn't find it. It felt like he could barely move, he was stuck in this place that wouldn't let him go.

There was no escape. He couldn't get out. He needed his magic. He was lost without it. The words were swimming around his head

_you’re a burden magnus_   _you’re nothing without your magic_   _i wish you’d leave me alone magnus  why won’t you leave me alone magnus ?  your are nothing nothingnothingnothingnothingnothing-_

"Magnus?"

The voice rang out loud and clear, like a chime on glass that broke through Magnus' mind. The words swirling and spinning created a darkness so thick that Magnus thought it would be impossible to break, that he would never be free. And yet just one word spoken by just one person could break it.

"Magnus wake up!"

He was trying to, but it was either his eyes wouldn't open or the voice just wasn't strong enough. Magnus felt himself falling down and down and down. Part of him never wanted to get back up. What was the point in trying to float when he would just end up sinking all over again? 

"Magnus please, don't do this now!"

Someone was moving him. Sitting him up. He tried to decipher that clear voice that broke minuscule cracks through his mind, trying to find who it was. But it was like his brain was muffled and he couldn't work out how to put a voice to a face, and a face to a name.

Then he felt a pair of soft lips touch his forehead. It was like a lightning strike through all the horrible dark words in his mind, taunting him, crashing him down quicker and quicker. But it had stopped just like that.

Magnus managed to crack one eye open. He wasn't even aware that he had closed them. Had he passed out? Was the whole thing just one horrific nightmare? As he finally opened both fully, still trying to work his brain out, he found only one thing.

Maybe the only thing he really needed.

Alec kneeling in front of him, worry printed clear on his face, his eyes swimming with unspilt tears.

"Magnus can you hear me?" He asked softly, stroking Magnus' cheek.

"Yes." Magnus croaked.

"Thank the angel." Alec breathed out, closing his eyes. He pulled Magnus towards him once more and planted another firm kiss to his forehead. "You scared me half to death. I thought something terrible had happened to you. I think you just had a nightmare."

"I guess you could say that." Magnus said wiping his eyes and feeling wet lines down his cheek of tears he didn't even know he had cried. "Yes... just a nightmare."

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong Magnus?" Alec's eyes searched his own intently. He still hadn't let go of Magnus' shoulders, as if he was afraid that he would fall again. "I know you keep saying you're fine without your magic but you're starting to worry me. You've had nightmares in the past, but nothing like this."

"Alexander, I promise you I'm-" The words died in Magnus' throat.

He had spent his whole life telling people ' _I'm_ _fine_ ' when it was plain to see he wasn't. All those years, distracting people from his own problems to see their happiness through, never prioritising his own. Maybe with Alec things would be different to how they were before. Maybe if he just talked...

"Actually... I don't think I am..." Magnus whispered. Just one look at the sadness in Alec's eyes, the sadness he felt for Magnus was enough to break him down.

Magnus folded in on himself and started shaking with sobs.

"How am I going to fix this?" Magnus choked out through the cries. "I'm lost without my magic, I can barely hold myself up anymore."

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and rocked him back and forth, pressing soft kisses to the top of his head, speaking comforting words into his ear. 

"Don't worry about being lost Magnus." Alec whispered. "I'll find you."

Magnus almost managed a smile.

"And don't worry about not being able to hold yourself anymore." He continued. "I'll carry you." 

And for a sweet moment, Magnus felt safe. Safe in the arms of the man he loved, the man who loved him back.

Maybe he could finally go to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> wowza my writing got suddenly sad all of a sudden 
> 
> idk man i just felt like writing something sad out of nowhere 
> 
> I hope you liked it though :) 
> 
> the title is taken from the song Closing In by Ruelle, the queen of malec songs


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